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It's only Monday, and I am exhausted. I'm exhausted by work; by the world; by my own predictable, exhausting behavior. I wish my brain would not automatically spiral at the slightest mishap, but it does.
For example: I was recently hired at a vet clinic as a receptionist and vet assistant. I've been a vet receptionist for over two years, and have wanted to learn more about the medical side for a while. So, this new job is a good thing! Right? It's a positive work environment and I'm learning a lot.
Here's the exhausting part: I am ridiculously hard on myself when I make a mistake.
I know what I would tell a friend in this situation. I would tell them that we learn from our mistakes, and that they don't define our entire future. My friends and my husband have told me as much--and more--but there's only so much advice I can ask from my loved ones before I start to feel like a burden. I guess that's why I'm here, screaming into the void of the Internet.
I just wish I didn't feel so incompetent and unhelpful.
This feeling of incompetency also spills over into my personal life. My cat, Carl, has asthma, FIV, and a bad case of stomatitis. His FIV and asthma are well-managed, but he recently had a dental and has needed more medication. He's good at taking pills if we can hide them in food, but otherwise? He won't let me pill him. And how can I make it in vet med if I can't even take care of my own cat?
See? I'm spiraling.
I didn't even have that bad of a day. I'm certainly not as anxious as I was this morning, or over the weekend, but my insecurities just linger.
Now that I am re-reading what I wrote, my problems feel so silly and superficial compared to everything else happening in the world. I feel like I'm bad at my job? And? Who cares? What right do I have to feel this bad when so many others have it much worse?
(I've always struggled with this, too. When I'm dealing with a depressive episode, I always think that I don't have a right to be depressed. My therapist tells me that this is unhelpful, and she is correct.)
On the bright side: I have tomorrow off, and I'll be getting my hair dyed pink and purple. My cat has taken all his medications. Hopefully, tomorrow, my brain will get a much-needed break.
For example: I was recently hired at a vet clinic as a receptionist and vet assistant. I've been a vet receptionist for over two years, and have wanted to learn more about the medical side for a while. So, this new job is a good thing! Right? It's a positive work environment and I'm learning a lot.
Here's the exhausting part: I am ridiculously hard on myself when I make a mistake.
I know what I would tell a friend in this situation. I would tell them that we learn from our mistakes, and that they don't define our entire future. My friends and my husband have told me as much--and more--but there's only so much advice I can ask from my loved ones before I start to feel like a burden. I guess that's why I'm here, screaming into the void of the Internet.
I just wish I didn't feel so incompetent and unhelpful.
This feeling of incompetency also spills over into my personal life. My cat, Carl, has asthma, FIV, and a bad case of stomatitis. His FIV and asthma are well-managed, but he recently had a dental and has needed more medication. He's good at taking pills if we can hide them in food, but otherwise? He won't let me pill him. And how can I make it in vet med if I can't even take care of my own cat?
See? I'm spiraling.
I didn't even have that bad of a day. I'm certainly not as anxious as I was this morning, or over the weekend, but my insecurities just linger.
Now that I am re-reading what I wrote, my problems feel so silly and superficial compared to everything else happening in the world. I feel like I'm bad at my job? And? Who cares? What right do I have to feel this bad when so many others have it much worse?
(I've always struggled with this, too. When I'm dealing with a depressive episode, I always think that I don't have a right to be depressed. My therapist tells me that this is unhelpful, and she is correct.)
On the bright side: I have tomorrow off, and I'll be getting my hair dyed pink and purple. My cat has taken all his medications. Hopefully, tomorrow, my brain will get a much-needed break.
